Road Rage

So often we hear stories about road rage and psychos on the road--freeway shootings, roadside fights, hit and runs--but the most-important details of these incidents are never disclosed. All we hear is that there was a "conflict" between two parties, which ultimately resulted in someone being beaten or killed or whatever. These incomplete media reports do nothing for us except make us irrationally paranoid. So with this in mind, I have decided to publish a kind of public service announcement that will inform the general public on ways to avoid being victimized by one of these crazy drivers.

You may be wondering why I feel entitled to write about this topic. What makes me a reliable information source? Well... my road rage experience is quite extensive, and my encounters cover both points of view. I have beaten people on the side of the road, and I have been beaten on the side of the road. After experiencing several incidents of road rage throughout my lifetime, I have learned quite a bit. I will now share this information with you, so that you may be better-prepared the next time you find yourself in a dangerous situation.

My first encounters with road rage were at a young age, when my parents drove me everywhere I needed to go. There is one occasion that sticks out in my memory. It was when my mom accidentally cut some guy off. He pulled up next to us at the next light and cussed out my mom, even though she was very apologetic. This is an example of unacceptable road rage--the initial act that set this guy off was totally unintentional. Still, this guy found it necessary to cuss out a middle-aged woman in front of her child. This guy wasn't a true psycho; he was just stupid and lacked self control. It's a shame I wasn't old enough to take the appropriate action. At that age (about 10 years old?), I hadn't tapped into my inner psycho yet. If that situation were to happen again today, I would jump out of the car and beat that loser within an inch of his life. I would break bones in every one of his limbs, as well as his ribs, jaw, and face. He would never walk again, and possibly never eat solid food again. Depending on how convincingly he begged for his life, I might let him keep his ability to see--I would have to play that one by ear. But that's not the point. The point is... this incident was virtually unavoidable. Even so, there is a lesson to be learned here.

What did I learn from this incident? Well... sometimes these things just happen. When they do, pay attention and stay alert. If you have accidentally cut someone off, observe their reaction in your mirrors. If they flip you off... don't worry about it. On the other hand, if you see them screaming and flailing their arms and reaching for something in the glove box... it is probably best to engage in some kind of defensive driving at this point. If you get the feeling the person is going to take action that will put you in danger, avoid them. Deviate from your original route, if it will get you away from this person. Don't pull up next to them or roll your windows down--just abandon the situation. Your safest bet is in your car, with the windows up and the doors locked. If the roads are congested, alter your driving so that you are not stuck in traffic with no escape route. Try to keep your vehicle in motion, until you have evaded the threat. The faster you are moving, the harder it will be for someone to force entry into your vehicle or shoot you in a body part that matters.

Basically, if you are not interested in roadside brawls, pay attention while you drive, and be aware of your surroundings. This will help you avoid making mistakes that could potentially set someone off. Your driving should only be as aggressive as you are willing to be in person. Be courteous, and avoid driving habits that annoy other drivers. If you want to drive the speed limit, move to the right lane. If you don't intend on driving fast, stay out of the fast lane. Makes sense, right? I can't begin to tell you how many people I have nearly killed, simply because they were driving too slow in the fast lane. At no point should you be driving the same speed as the cars in the next lane; if you like the speed that those cars are going, join them. Don't just sit there and ignore the quarter-mile of cars riding your ass--sooner or later, you WILL be victimized.

On the other side of the coin, we have the psychos. These are the people who initiate the dangerous situations. If someone truly deserves to be punished, you should not be afraid to step up and get the job done. I have chosen to be a psycho. This is because I care more about standing up for what's right than I do about my personal safety. You should only walk the psycho path (pun noted, but not intended) if you are mentally prepared to be beaten, stabbed, shot, or all of the above. (It also helps that I am bigger and stronger than 95% of the population). I made this decision because I could no longer tolerate the feelings caused by accepting my role as a victim.

The choice to become a psycho carries with it certain requirements. No matter how crazy you are, there will always be someone crazier. Therefore, I plan ahead. I keep a knife, a tire iron, and a pellet gun all within reach. Should the need arise... I have a complete selection of weaponry to draw from. Weapon selection varies, depending on the situation; for mild infractions, I may opt to break your windows with my tire iron; for more-serious situations, I might go with a knife-gun combo... you know... give 'em the ol' slash-n-blast. The point is... make sure you are prepared. If someone accidentally cuts you off... don't be so quick to pull up next to them and cuss them out... unless you have already weighed the risks and feel that it's worth being stabbed in the face over. Being psycho is a big responsibility.

And don't forget, being psycho is not all-or-nothing... you can always vary your psychoness, depending on your mood. After a considerably-psycho act (like say... pulling some relentless, tailgating piece of shit from his car, beating him to the ground, and driving away in his car), you might find that your inner psycho has been satiated for now. No problem... take some time off; you deserve it. The next time someone is tailgating you, maybe you could simply change lanes or something. In other words, being psycho is a freedom--not an obligation. Slash-n-blast whenever YOU feel the need. Don't get drawn into unspoken competitions with your psycho friends, who may inadvertently pressure you into excessive blasting, just to keep up with their numbers. If someone requires a tire-iron-to-the-nose, don't stab them instead, just to raise your stats.